Archive for August, 2008

Should bachelor and bachelorette parties be combined? Some folks feel that these types of pre-marriage parties are meant to be separate, as women need their time to spend with one another and so do men. Other people would argue that bachelor and bachelorette parties can get out of control, and therefore, a combined event is best. What do you think?

The bachelor and bachelorette parties are meant to be about men and women getting together with their friends to bond and have a good time. For most individuals, these parties are enjoyable and completely harmless. They are an opportunity to have some fun, enjoy good food and drinks, reminisce about the past and laugh up a storm.

In historical times, the bachelor party was a very formal black tie affair that was given by the groom’s best friends. In today’s modern society, bachelor parties are rarely formal but can be plenty of fun and boisterous as well. Some bachelor parties include strippers and the like, but the overall purpose is to simply relax and have fun.

A bachelorette party is the female equivalent of a bachelor party. Traditionally the only form of female celebration a woman received before her wedding was a bridal shower, which was very prim and proper as the mother and grandmother were usually in attendance. The bachelorette party provides an opportunity for a bride to go out for an evening with her closest friends and/or sisters and have as good a time as her groom-to-be is having.

Some people choose to have what is known as a stag and doe party, which is a tame version of the bachelor and bachelorette party and is, for all intents and purposes, a combined party that both sexes attend. A stag and doe party (or buck and doe party) is co-ed in nature, but it also has another purpose- to earn money for the upcoming nuptials. In other words a stag and doe party is a pre-wedding party where guests must purchase tickets, and the money is used to help pay for the upcoming wedding.

The decision as to whether the parties for the bride and groom should be separate or combined is a decision only the couple can make for themselves. Some couples even opt to do both on separate occasions! Whatever you decide to do, have fun doing it!

When I first heard that my friends Tom and Michele were getting married, I was delighted. Even better, they invited me to provide one of the readings for the wedding.

The only problem was that the wedding was taking place in Nashua, New Hampshire, about 3,000 miles away from my home base. And with two small kids of my own, I had to minimize my time away from home.

Thus, I embarked on my wedding odyssey.

Friday, 9:30 PM Pacific: Leave home to drive to the San Francisco Airport.

Friday, 10:00 PM Pacific: Arrive at long-term parking. Rates have risen again. Now it’s $13.95/day. Crap, last time I flew, it was $8.95. Damned inflation.

Friday, 10:30 PM Pacific: Arrive at the airport, hurry through security, and make it to the gate.

Friday, 11:19 PM Pacific: My flight takes off.

Saturday, 12:00 AM Pacific: I slip on my eyeshade and try to get some sleep. I doze fitfully until 3:30 AM, by which time I’ve entered the Eastern time zone, and dawn is streaming in through the windows.

Saturday, 7:30 AM Eastern: Touch down in the D terminal of Washington Dulles. Immediately set out for my connecting flight, which is scheduled to depart from A terminal. 15 minutes later, including a bus ride, I arrive at the gate to discover that my flight has been moved to…D terminal. Another 15 minutes later, I arrive at the gate.

Saturday, 8:30 AM Eastern: My flight takes off bound for Manchester, New Hampshire.

Saturday, 10:00 AM Eastern: Arrive into Manchester, and call the groom. 10 minutes later, he and his two sons pick me up, and we spend the 10-minute drive to the house discussing the latest developments in unmanned aerial vehicle (UAV) technology. Apparently JP and LJ (who are 12 and 7) are big fans of military contractors like Raytheon.

Saturday, 10:20 AM Eastern: Arrive at Tom’s house, and get the grand tour, including a visit to see the famous chickens. Tom’s 18 “girls” have really grown. He proudly tells me that the coop is self-sustaining, and that he only has to clear out the dung once a year. JP and LJ show me their toy room, which contains enough LEGO, radio controlled vehicles, and Nerf weaponry to equip your average elementary school. Clearly I was born too early.

Saturday, 11:30 AM Eastern: We drive over to the wedding site, which is Unum’s, the hottest restaurant in New Hampshire. Owner Steve Williams, a former high-tech CEO, has built a dream team, including an award-winning chef and Jared, the world’s greatest bartender. I later sample a Midori/coconut concoction that confirms his mark of distinction. JP engages me in an earnest conversation where I attempt to convince him that the conflict between the US and Japan in World War II was not inevitable, but rather the result of poor decision-making by the Japanese military brass. Naturally, I point out that the great Admiral Yamamoto warned the high command that Japan would lose a war with the United States, but carried out the attack on Pearl Harbor regardless.

Saturday, 12:00 PM Eastern: The wedding commences, with a ring ceremony, my speech (reprinted at the end of this post), and the Native American blessing that seems to have become de rigeur. I don’t think this is the right time to point out that this ancient Indian blessing was actually written for a Christian Slater movie in the 1990s.

Saturday, 12:30 PM Eastern: Steve and his team serve a magnificent four-course feast. My personal favorite? The spinach and ricotta gnocchi, with mustard cream, Jones ham, smoked honey drizzle, and garlicky breadcrumbs.
(I may be locked in a struggle to the death in my biggest loser competition, but food like this demands to be eaten.)

Saturday, 3:30 PM Eastern: I leave the wedding for Logan airport, hitching a ride, ironically enough, with the newlyweds. Since Tom promised to get me to the airport, the easiest thing to do was to share their limo.

Saturday, 4:30 PM Eastern: Arrive at Logan Airport. Logan is surely one of the world’s worst airports, and driving to the airport brought back all sorts of unpleasant memories (I have probably flown into and out of Logan over 100 times, which is 100 times too many).

Saturday, 4:45 PM Eastern: My god, $1.99 for bottled water? Airport merchants should just write checks directly to the TSA.

Saturday, 5:00 PM Eastern: After 15 minutes of searching, I finally spot a water fountain. I wonder how long it will be before they rip that out too.

Saturday, 5:30 PM Eastern: Board plane for flight to San Francisco.

Saturday, 6:00 PM Eastern: Find out that the plane’s engine has a *hole* in it and that there are no other flights to San Francisco on any other airlines.

Saturday, 6:30 PM Eastern: Find out that the airline has been able to secure another plane, so we’ll be able to depart (hopefully) at 8:30, 2.5 hours late.

Sunday, 12:30 AM Pacific: Arrive back in San Francisco.

Total travel time: 26.5 hours from departure to return.

Time in the air: 13.5 hours.

Time spent in airports or limos: 7.5 hours

Time at the wedding: 4 hours.

It might seem like madness to travel 7,000 miles in 25 hours to spend 3.5 hours at a wedding, but such are the bonds of friendship!

Appendix A: The Wedding Speech

About 90 minutes south of here, Professor Tal Ben-Shahar of Harvard teaches a course on happiness that, in a few short years, has grown into the most popular class at the university. He writes, “For a human being, the ultimate currency is not money, nor is it any external measure, such as fame, fortune, or power. The ultimate currency for a human being is happiness.” In other words, all the other things we pursue…money, power, fame…all of these are ultimately simply means to an end.

Our history and way of life are founded on this principle. In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson wrote that the three inalienable rights possessed by all are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Yet even today, in this, the richest and most powerful nation in the world, many of us fail in Jefferson’s quest.

We pursue happiness indirectly and ineffectually, throwing our energies into chasing the means, when if we had the clarity and courage, we could reach out and earn the ultimate currency directly.

Both Tom and Michele have achieved much in their lives.

Tom has been an All-American athlete, politician, has built and sold business since his teen years, and helped build a multi-billion-dollar company.

Michele excelled in school, earned degrees in both criminal justice and education, and as a teacher in her childhood school, taught nine classes, and led both her library and her union.

But worldly success, no matter how great, cannot guarantee happiness.

Yet despite all the achievements and events in their lives, both Tom and Michele felt, in the immortal words of U2, “But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

The science of positive psychology tells us that there are three things above all others that bring us happiness. The first is finding work that uses your abilities and engages your imagination. The second is being able to feel a sense of personal growth. And the third is finding a life partner with whom you have a close and loving relationship.

Many aren’t lucky enough to find any of these things in their lives. Most aren’t lucky enough to find all of them. And rare indeed is it for two people to find them all in each other.

I’ve known Tom a long time. I’ve worked with Tom and spoken to him on a daily basis for over eight years. It’s been great to see how finding Michele has energized him. He’s found work at which he excels and which he truly loves. He’s grown a tremendous amount in the past year. And he’s found in Michele a wonderful partner. I’ve never seen him happier–even after a good night at the poker table.

While I haven’t known Michele as long, I’ve had the pleasure of working with her this past few months, and I’ve seen how they make a wonderful team. As all of Tom’s friends and family know, the last words you’d ever use to describe him are “careful” and “diplomatic”. Michele balances his zest for life with level-headed responsibility–even when the responsibility for 18 baby chickens are thrust upon her.

We are gathered here today to both commemorate and celebrate their decision to pursue happiness together. May they always be rich in the ultimate currency…though getting some of that green stuff along the way never hurts.

An engagement ring is a symbol of the promise to marry. It is also a symbol of the commitment to join as one in a lifelong relationship as husband and wife. While an engagement ring is not an absolute necessity in order to be married, in our culture it is extremely commonplace.

In western society an engagement ring is offered to a woman when a man proposes marriage to her. If she accepts, the ring is then placed on the second last finger of her left hand. This is her “ring finger”.

The tradition of the engagement ring dates back many years. It once was believed that the fourth finger of the left hand contained the vena amoris (or vein of love) and that this vein connected directly to the heart. This tradition has endured, and that is why today both engagement rings and wedding rings are placed on this most special of fingers. Husband and wife were then thought to be “joined at the heart.”

The tradition of diamond engagement rings began with the Italians. In Italy it was once believed that diamonds were derived from the “flames of love” and therefore clearly represented the bonds of everlasting love.

The first people to make use of rings for a romantic purpose were the French. In the sixteenth century Frenchmen presented the women they loved with what was known as gimmal rings. Gimmal rings were intertwined but were designed with a tiny slit in the gold. The purpose of the slit was that once a man proposed marriage and a woman accepted, each wore one of the rings during the period of engagement. On the wedding day during the ceremony, the groom would remove his ring and give it to the bride who would then wear the two rings together as one.

Diamonds are the most popular stone for an engagement ring. Their popularity began in the early 20^th century. It was once believed that the price for an engagement ring equated to two month’s of salary for the hopeful groom-to-be.

Those who cannot afford this should not let it distress them as there are plenty of simple styles of engagement rings today that are beautiful but have a more reasonable price tag. Some people decide to forego diamonds and choose another type of stone all together. Men who know their beloveds well will know how to choose a ring that she will adore.

Who says you need to have lots of money to have a beautiful wedding ceremony? If you are planning a church wedding but do not have the budget that you wish you had, read on for some suggestions for how to make the wedding as elegant as can be:

1. Stand in the church and look towards the front. Where is your attention focused on? Now think like your guests. The altar is where the guests will be concentrating because this is where the vows will be exchanged. It is essential that your hard-earned money be well spent. The flowers and decorations you choose to adorn the altar should be given top priority.

2. Hurricane lamps are a lovely choice for a fall or winter wedding. There are plenty of styles from which to choose and these lamps are relatively inexpensive. Choose glass hurricane lamps or brass lamps and decorate them in whatever way is most befitting for the ceremony!

3. Use tall candelabras at the church ceremony. Accent them with plenty of greenery. If you shop around, you will find lots of options when it comes to styles and designs. Your white candles will look very elegant and stunning in the candelabras, as they will lend themselves to making the church look more wondrous.

4. Some brides like to decorate every pew in the church. If you can find decorations that are within your budget to does this, then go ahead. If not, then here is a suggestion – consider decorating every second or third pew. Be as creative as you like. Standard options include bows, ribbons and greenery (and the hurricane lamps mentioned in number two).

5. Decide where your money would be most wisely spent. This often depends on the size of the church and how many guests you are expecting. You might want to forego decorating the pews and instead have flowers or candelabras at the entrance to the church and on the altar.

6. Before you buy decorations find out if the church has decorations that you can borrow for your wedding ceremony.

7. Real flowers are lovely but expensive. Therefore, you should keep flowers to a minimum. If you use real flowers, then have someone transport the flowers from the ceremony to the reception. Another option is to buy real looking artificial flowers.

When it comes to choosing flowers for your wedding, you can choose to take the fresh live flowers route or the artificial route. Both are equally good options. If you need to be as cost effective as possible, then only you can decide if fresh flowers are within your wedding budget.

If you decide to go with fresh flowers for the big day, then here are a few suggestions for choosing them:

-Do not go overboard with trying to match your flowers with your decorations, tablecloths for the reception or the dresses for the maid of honor and the bridesmaids. Staying within the correct color scheme, such as pink or lavend,er is one thing, but too much color coordination is almost impossible to do if you want to stay sane!

-Consider your budget and your style when you speak to your florist of choice. Most people understand the money crunch, and therefore the florist will do his or her best to find lovely flowers that suit both of these needs.

-Approximately half of the cost to make flower arrangements, bouquets and centerpieces is labor. The fancier and more elaborate ones you choose, the more you will pay. Instead opt for more basic and looser kinds of arrangements that will be more budget friendly.

-The “market buy” option is a good one to consider, if you do not mind buying your flowers at the last minute. How this works is that a florist will go to the “market” the day before your wedding is to take place and purchase the flowers you want. The good thing is that the flowers will be on special, and therefore you will receive a nice discount. This gives you money to put toward other aspects of your special day!

-If you do not want to go with the market buy option, then place the order for your flower arrangements but do not finalize the order until approximately three months before the wedding. The reason for this? Sometimes mitigating circumstances necessitate changes in plans. You do not want to spend your money and then have it go to waste. As well, you do not want to end up with flowers that are all wrong for your wedding.

Happy flower shopping!!